well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you win again, gameday.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
