If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
