you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
