gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
