you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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