I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
