Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
