Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
