I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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