You can't motorboat a personality
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
