My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
