So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
