im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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