im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
