i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize
