When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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