so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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