Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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