Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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