This dress was meant to end up on your floor
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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