Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
