apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
