FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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