Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
