I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
