Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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