i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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