So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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