I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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