i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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