I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
