Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize