Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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