I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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