they said they heard you say put it in my butt
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize