Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
