i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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