ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
