No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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