The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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