you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
