Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
