As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
