Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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