How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
