david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
