Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
