Where did you get a picture of my penis
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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