I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
