u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
