Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
