Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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